A Letter To All My Lovers
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I wanna go back to when i believed, when i wondered,
when i was enamored by the feeling of falling into you
the push and pull of a tension, the air between palms, the press of a shoulder.
the linger in a giggle, reflection in a shadow. shy murmur in a crowd.
the poem in a playlist, the dream in a book, that taunt of a long distance, temporary touch.
tell me what happened to us
tell me why I’m here searching,
wishing for something simple, something sweet.
maybe i’m not over falling in love with the friend who never texts me back
i don’t know if i told you how bad it hurt,
(did you ever tell me the truth of yours?)
how much it hurt to be so known and unknown at the same time,
loved and unwitnessed, held and falling.
how much it hurt to feel how much i wanted your desire.
how i saw my shimmer in your offered reflection.
that sweet temptation of want.
you touched me so tenderly, when i wanted you to tug
do you remember how afraid we were of that first kiss?
I fall for my friends every day
and maybe thats why i avoid their red,
take months to say in more words than excuses:
“I love you too.
thank you
for your forgiveness.”
we fall in love in audio messages,
imagined narratives and orchestrated fandom.
i write poems to my phone and trace essays in the trees
i post to a corner of the internet no body knows and i wonder
who hears when i say ‘i want to show you my light’
who replies when i reveal i love you
I don’t want to call you when i’m lonely,
hide in you when i’m scared.
I don’t want to stay because you’re nice. because you’re stunning.
because youre convenient, close or charming.
I want to run because i called. compelled, concerned.
sometimes i’m brightest is when i feel the most alone
is this the beauty i watched my mother grieve?
i feel guilty for asking if my words were really worse than your neglect
we’re not a match
we know it
there are parts of me you cant understand
parts of you i can’t control
we duet through portals
and i remember my cruelty
no one has seen me mean like you.
i regret my word choice, acknowledge my offense
i hope you know me enough to know that mask,
to trust my truth.
i hope you love me enough to forget
friend, i never told you how bad it hurt in december
how i weeped and wailed and fell to the floor
and wondered
if i did it all for you but couldn’t reply
what good was the effort?
what good was i?
did I already miss you?
what did you mean when you said i visit in your dreams?
all my musician friends tell me not to fall in love with a musician
still i wonder when you’ll fall from the stage
to see me sway
to know i see you in all your stories
we remember our attachments are not just romantic
this love is not just platonic
its all the same sick muck of attraction, same taunt of distraction
i never told you how sad i was
how worried i was i had lost it all
when i realized all i had was not what i wanted
that all i missed was what i left behind
now, i feel recovered in the sun of summer,
i see it shine on the parts of me i forgot
is this the dissonance in the coast toward a north star?
was I your white boy, your cliché?
it wasn’t your job to radicalize me but
you taught me to surf
how to float on earth and sink into the tide
mirrored my struggle in yours
so we duet
so we twirl, sway and fly
we sing our love songs in the echos of grief
this ritual
did you ever really believe in our forever?
did we ever really believe we could be forever?
ive eaten three pizzas in three weeks
you’re in the shower
in how i lather my body and crunch my curls
you’re in how i love, how i catch my red
i wonder which choreographies will linger
which i’ll reclaim
my friends make fun of me for breaking hearts
but you, i let you see the scars on mine
will you let me love you in public
does this love song make you sick
would you prefer i write you a movie
wrap it in fiction and call it untrue
we know it all would still be a portrait of you
so I write spells in color
and remember the sweet summer sour of loving myself the way i wish you had
