surrender to the deep, end
The other night, I was given an answer in dream form.
there is a shadow to endings, a similar grief in desire
I’ve been wondering how to hold my anger, and who truly walks with me unseen. I desired reassurance.
i’ve been tending to the heartbreak of a loving goodbye, tending to the endings within me, feeling how my desire, my want, offers mirror to an unknowing, an undoing, undying and forever questioning of what god could preside over this life, this body, this earth.
i study the stars and find answers in parallel truths
i am waiting for an answer that i have already memorized the words to, but i am calling to some unknown to echo it back to me, as I stand at the edge, wondering if it is only me reflecting back to my own heart. the humaness of my nature is reaching for the warmth of the womb. someone that is beyond me and yet a part of me.
who made me the siren? and who made you the hero?
an arc of truth, a path uncharted, you could drown in these seas.
The sea level rises and I invite the fear, because there is some divine corrosion taking place, attempting to separate me from the labels i have found comfort in, and the ones that have brought me pain. I am separating into darkness, if i dare to go deeper, i sense there is some warmth awaiting my arrival
i have been so stirred, I sink still.
i double the brown sugar, make the dance sweeter. roll it on your palm and make me a grid
what order is there in this world weariness?
why do you fear this unknown? sit with me — dance with me — between the bits, fall into this marvelous mischievous middle. we could be all we ever dreamed here.
don’t commit, don’t promise, whisper your fear and and i will swallow it whole. we can coat it in sugar and trade it between our tongues. bake it golden and let it linger, let the heat drip across your cheek. giggle as you pull the chocolate in.
you trigger a different crescendo. let me arrive in my worried want, dig into my doubt and spit me out in sorrow. a cycle i’d marry, a loop ill continue.
i have been so tired. there are seasons when the unknown is a north star that incites magic, but this time around the polarities of my inner self are in a fiery climax, clashing throughout my body as i sit in the middle. i play with cynicism as it leaves my lips, asking myself if there is matrimony to this weariness or if there is some unspoken hope that I will be unable to hold it in my hands, pushing me back to the sweetness I am truly looking for.
everyones trying to get spiritual but no ones trying to grieve
lekso! let me wail at the door, let me scream out, perform this grief for you
let me come to the hospital — you shouldn’t be there alone.
buy me the test, actually, buy me two.
don’t let this bleeding be unanswered.
we have to bury this body together.
i was asked if this is more uncertainty than im used to, i said no, it just feels bigger than it’s ever felt because i am more hopeful than ive ever been before. survival is the loop i continued, and as far as i could throw myself is where i feel desire. but hope has widened the sky farther than i can see. suddenly the possibilites are endless, and now the horizon of the unknown reaches farther across my fate. i laugh at how these words have not buried me alive. naming the unmeasurable has made my cup hold the storm, if only for a moment.
so let mommy throw me in the deep, i learned to swim, survive these seas/ in the blue of deep, the fire of departure, I found songs I could sing in solitude
stories with rotating characters, the lone heroine on her journey round the world. ill chase stars and get lost in the comet. my stories will die with me but i know the waves will remember. ill dance on the chorus of forces, a ghost walking the shore.
all these archives of my solitary romance.
the way me and I have decided this whole thing is a love song. I serenade myself in sweet touch and sweet treats.
all of it is collage, a rearrangement of the material I am offered, a presentation of the shape I’m in
a light that fills every room is only so bright because their spirit has learned to hold so much. i wonder why people push away when the sad ballads, the dark valleys, the swirling turbulence, are expressed just as big? is there uncharted darkness they have not traversed, now being reflected back to them. my pupils have dilated during the new moon too, a sky so empty all you can see is yourself. so quiet you can hear what’s calling you. i shine fire into your chest because i dare to face the shapes waiting outside the circle, i only hope this fire pierces your heart as well.